Facing The Monster

“One of the greatest moments in anybody’s developing experience is when he longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is”  ~ Norman Vincent Peale

A couple of weeks ago, I was participating in a huge training seminar on relationships.  I’m a strong advocate in taking solo-time to heal yourself and get fully ready for the next relationship, so as to not fall into the same dysfunctional patterns from previous relationships.

During one of the online workshops, they had us go through a guided meditation/visualization.  We were to close our eyes, take deep breaths, and relax more and more as the presenter counted backwards from seven to one.

When she got to one, she had us imagine we were looking at a screen and that the screen held what was holding us back from proceeding forward in our love lives.

My scene was very dark.  I imagined myself standing in front of a screen.  In it was someone who was very dear to me, who is no longer in my life.  I was sad this person was no longer in my life.  My soulmate/partner-to-be was in the background, unable to fit the screen at the same time as the person occupying it.

I tried bringing light to the scene.  I couldn’t.  I tried making the screen bigger. I couldn’t.  I struggled.  No go.

Then, I calmed my mind and instead went with the flow of the visualization.

I became aware of a third entity in the screen, behind both people.  It was a monster.   I’ve learned to not resist such images, since it just ingrains them more in my mind, so instead I called it forward to the front of the screen.

I walked to the front and lovingly touched its face.  Its exterior melted off and dropped to the floor.  Out of the green/purple goop stood another entity, fresh, minty, and smiling.

It was me.

…Woooooow…

I pulled my other self out of the screen and I stood side by side with myself, holding hands and smiling.  It was an absolutely incredible moment!  I was crying a whole lot by then in real life, as I felt my heart swell with love and appreciation.

In that moment, as I lovingly held my own hand, everything changed.  Suddenly, light flooded the scene.  The screen became HUGE.  Whereas before it was about 5′ x 5′, now (without effort!) it was maybe 100′ x 100′.  The two me’s were tiny compared to its magnificence.

In the screen now was a beautiful picture of nature.  Amazing waterfalls surrounded by lush green forest.  All of it emanating a palpable love and calm into my two beings.  🙂  

I stayed there for a while, basking in the incredible feelings of goodness and completeness, allowing that image to sink in.

When I came to, I started reflecting on it, wondering – what did it mean?    I walked through each step of the way, spending time on each portion of it.

This is what I’ve figured out from it thus far: I have to stop trying to force things to happen, stop trying to force my journey, and instead pay attention to befriending myself, and accepting and loving ALL parts of who I am – even the parts I may be ashamed or frightened of.  Only then will I be able to move forward, but when I do, ALL the goodness in the world will be open to me.

There’s been a major shift that’s occurred in me since then.  I am so much more conscious about being my own best friend.  About treating me as I expect others to treat me, as I’d want my soulmate to treat me.

I smile at myself in the mirror so much now, telling myself about beautiful I am and pouring love into every part of my self.  This isn’t about vanity.  This is about finally treating myself right.  About finally stopping the constant self-criticism.

Do you realize how much you criticize yourself? Take note, and then check to see how it makes you feel.  It’s like you have an awful friend perpetually around you who is constantly pointing out your imperfections and “failings”.  How draining!  That inner “friend” is dragging you down just as much – if not more – if he/she were an actual friend outside of you.  Notice how much more empowered you feel by being around a person who urges you to believe in yourself. 

Be that friend.

I’m so much nicer to myself now. 🙂  And it feels amazing.  I’m so, so dedicated to being my own best friend, to loving myself unconditionally.  For so long, I craved unconditional love from others…but I wasn’t giving it to myself.  How could I ask that from another when I wasn’t doing it for myself?  Or how could I recognize it when I wasn’t practising it?

And, no, I don’t know all the “how’s” yet.  I don’t know fully what the monster is, and therefore, all the ways I’ll have to learn to accept and appreciate those parts of me.

You don’t always have to know the “how’s” in life, though, and it’s better if you learn to be OK without a whole lot of “how’s”.  You just have to know that you want to do/be/have something, be committed to it, and (most importantly) believe that it’s possible and know that you deserve it.  Then…the world shows up and guides you along the way, step by step. 

So much of my life is changing now. HUGE changes.  At first, it *freaked* me out, but now I feel so good.  I’m learning to let go of needing to control the situation, let go of feeling like I need to know what I need to do ten steps before doing it.  I’m learning, instead, to trust myself and my ability to cope with change, and to trust in the world to help light the way. 

I’m learning to live. 🙂

What’s funny is that I originally intended on writing this post about honesty and  authenticity, because it’s what has led me to this part of my journey.  I’m learning to be more honest with myself and with the world about who I am, what I want, what I believe, etc. 

Sometimes, life doesn’t go as planned, though.

Sometimes, it’s better.  As I’m learning, when you learn to let go and just go with the flow of natural change…it can be much better.

I entered the seminar with the intention of being prepared for a phenomenal relationship with a kindred spirit (and accepting nothing less).  Turns out, I’m also getting the whole world. 😉 lol Actually, it’s something even better. 

I’m getting me.

So much love,

~Amparo

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Reflective Challenge of the Post (RCP):  What’s your monster?  What parts of you are you ashamed of?  What do you try to hide from the world?   These are the very parts you must learn to love, and allow them to transform and reach their fullest potential.  Don’t know where to begin?  Start with a smile.  That’s all you have to do. Start with small acts of self-forgiveness.  Start with doing simple things everyday that feel good, without letting yourself feel guilty about it.  It doesn’t have to cost anything, and can be as simple as staying in bed and relaxing for 15 minutes in the morning, appreciating yourself and your journey.  Unless and until you can do these things for yourself, you cannot do them for another.  Those of us who find it hardest to forgive others also find it hardest to forgive ourselves.  I was one of them.  It’s time to go past just surviving, and start living your amazing, beautiful, bountiful life.  🙂

I’ve decided to open up a gmail account for this blog. Friends have sent me comments on the side, so I’m allowing it to be a another avenue of communication.  Send any questions or comments you’d rather not post on here to happystarfishes@gmail.com :). 


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