Day 18: Working on My Shadow (8.27.11)

What a great, great day :D. Hurricane Irene allowed for lots of “me” time today, working on loving different parts of myself. That’s all I did. All day. Everyone needs such a special “I love me” day. I’ve been doing this special personal development program for a while at my own pace called the “Shadow Process”, developed by Debbie Ford.

The premise is this: every single quality we can see in others exists within ourselves. Every quality has both yin and yang present within them, but we may have been trained to only see one side of it. In that case, we may try *very* hard to hide that quality… and we may have gotten so good at it, we’ve even hidden it from ourselves. Because I’m an expert at running away, I’ve learned a very powerful lesson over the course of my life – running away from *anything* is self-defeating… always. Face it head on like a warrior and find the lesson, find the gold.

I’ve found many qualities within myself that I’ve come to repress and hide. I’m starting to catch myself in the middle of denial about possessing a quality, and realizing moments where I’ve exhibited them… and times these “bad” qualities saved my life. Here’s one: I was taught that being selfish is a solely bad thing. Because of this, selfishness has historically been a big trigger for me (i.e. it pissed me off when I saw it in others), all the while, I denied moments of selfishness on my part. Simultaneously, I’ve also historically tried super hard to be the very opposite of selfish – nondemanding – even to the point of putting myself and my needs last, if they were ever stated at all. This was more true in certain cases than others, but it aways left me feeling disempowered, little, and used. **Mini-epiphany** And I just realized this is one of the core reasons why I don’t feel as powerful as I know I can be on the job… wow… wow… oh wow.. and the possibilities have just been expanded! Oh wow! I just caught a glimpse of who I could be, especially in my worklife, if I owned this quality of “selfish” and didn’t run away from it, but looked for the gold in it and let myself be all of who I really can be. I would be one badass Amparo.

No one can use you unless you give them that power over you. My running away from “selfish” allowed others to take advantage of me, even when they didn’t realize they were doing so. Dude. No more. 🙂

I’m learning to find the gold in selfish, and all the other qualities I’ve run away from. Here’s what I’ve learned: I can’t help others, I can’t bring order to chaos, I can’t bring peace to this world… if I’m not taking care of me, first, if I’m not standing up for myself and clearly stating my needs, first. I need a level of selfishness in order to bring forth an even more powerful Amparo into this world. I’m worth it. So are you.

Like Debbie says, our greatest lights exist within our deepest shadows. I am no longer afraid of discovering all of who I am, and being all I can be. I will find who I am, all of who I am, and love it all… and find the gift within each quality.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”

~ Marriane Williamson

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