“What Do I Want To Create?” (Stepping out of the Darkness)

“I suddenly felt like I was looking at these thoughts from another perspective and I wondered, ‘who is t that’s aware that I’m thinking?’ and suddenly I was thrown in to this expansive, amazing feeling of freedom from myself, from my problems, I saw that I was bigger than what I do, that I was bigger than my body.  I was everything and everyone. I was no longer a fragment of the universe, I was the universe.  And ever since that day, I’ve been trying to get back there. It comes and goes. It’s like riding a wave, sometimes I’m on, sometimes I’m off. But at least I know where I want to go and I want to take as many people as I possibly can.”

~ Jim Carrey

I just exited a period of high anxiety and depression.  The intensity of it came upon me suddenly, after the new year, though I had been feeling the symptoms to a lesser degree for months previously.  The pain, the drama, it all felt so real.  I came out of it, as one must after such an experience, a changed person.  I understand now the immense importance of constantly keeping one’s own self in check – meaning, keeping up routines of self-love and self-care.

My post on “Half-Assing” proved to be a catalyst as I found myself scrounging for relief, even as I felt overwhelmed by sadness, anger, and despair.  It’s amazing.. even my relationship – one of the most fulfilling aspects of my life – gradually lost its flavor during that time.    And only my own exiting of that period showed me that the pain and sense of doom I’d been feeling was only an illusion caused by the state of mind and spirit I was inhabiting.  While I was in it, though, it felt so real.  No one could have convinced me it wasn’t just a reflection of what was going on inside me.

When I came to, I was amazed that the love hadn’t disappeared, that it was only I that couldn’t tap into it because I couldn’t tap into the love within and for myself (truly, I reached a point of self-loathing during one of the darkest nights).


I’m fully convinced now that I needn’t worry about my relationship, that my primary focus should be my own sense of happiness, and that everything else will take care of itself.  It’s a good litmus test now: how I feel about my relationship is an indicator of how I’m feeling about myself, and what state of energy and being I’m inhabiting. Awesome :).

Whilst I struggled to come back to the light, many influences spurred me along the way – friends and family, doctors, and (probably above all) my favorite personal development authors.  Three in particular were instrumental in my finding my way back, and in understanding how I got there in the first place: Deepak Chopra, Abraham-Hicks, and Neale Donald Walsch.

I searched the internet for empowering answers to what I was feeling and why.  The video I posted previously was one of those videos I just happened upon and brought such an intense sense of relief.  The quote from above is what struck me the most from that video, in particular because it came from a source I didn’t expect.  Who knew Jim Carrey had experienced a moment of enlightening?  That made me so happy to hear.

His quote was so powerful for me because I was right there with him.  I also know what it feels like to be in a state of complete bliss, to feel like you’re connected to something “outside” of yourself.  In fact, about three years ago, during the early stages of my journey with purposeful personal development, I would often walk around in a state of joy, feeling a sense of ecstasy.

I recall one night, likely on one of my “spirit walks” (a term I used for spontaneous journeys to reflect and clear away drama in my mind), I walked back home late at night to the house I shared with one of my best friends.  As I enjoyed the sense of calm that seemed to fill my entire being, I looked up at the stars.  All of a sudden, I felt like a part of consciousness had propelled upward among the stars.  It was incredible…I felt connected to the stars, almost one with them.  It was so surreal and beautiful.  It lasted maybe 3-5 minutes, but it was gorgeous.

Like Jim Carrey, I want to return to those intense feelings of joy and empowerment, and light the way for anyone that may be going through their own dark times and intense confusion.  I want everyone to know it’s going to be OK.  Whatever the darkness you’re in now, you can climb out.  You are not alone.  You are never alone, no matter how real it seems.

I entitled this post, “what do I want to create” because this question alone reminded me that I have the power to affect change in my life.  I can create what I want. I can have what I want.  As I climbed out, and asked this question more and more, the answers that flooded me filled me with HOPE, again.  I wrote about what I wanted in every area of my life.  I wrote with the assurance that I could have it, and I wrote as if I already did have it (an exercise frequently encouraged by all my favorite personal development authors).

I wanted happiness, again.  I wanted love and light and fulfillment, and direction and clarity.  I wanted lightness, again.  I wanted joy and relief.  I wanted answers.  I wanted to feel connected to God, again.  I wanted to feel connected to who I really am, again.  I wanted to feel empowered, again

All of that, all of it.. it’s all coming back :’).  Thank you, God/life/world/love.   Regardless of what you’re feeling, I highly encourage you to ask as well, “what do I want to create?”  Let the answers fill you with hope, wonder, motivation, and love.  As Abraham-Hicks says, nothing is more important than that you feel good.  🙂

So much love,


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