Day 14: Releasing Resistance / Returning to My Core (8.23.11)

Doing this album has been great for a number of reasons. One of them is because of how vulnerable it makes me feel. I have lived my whole life hiding who I am, running away from one thing or another, or being a chameleon to fit in. They were all survival mechanisms… and they’ve all outlived their use. I don’t need them anymore. I live in another world now, I live in Love now. This album is practice for learning to let go of these mechanisms. ๐Ÿ™‚

Here’s what I was vulnerable today with regards to this album: I’ve been thinking a lot about yesterday’s post, and my scramble to get somewhere and get something. It was a post about the present, and yet so much of it was focused on anything but the present. It’s where I am. I’m transitioning to a life of the powerful “now”, and shedding the skin of the old me.. that girl that feared the future, that raged about the past.

I’m learning to let go. ๐Ÿ™‚

Today was a good lesson about letting go… specifically of the need to struggle and be in control. Sometimes, you just have no control over stuff (like a 6.0 earthquake in Washington, DC). A very wise friend of mine once told me that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives but we can control how we react to them. I don’t entire agree that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives… I think our very demeanor and mentality already filters what comes into our lives, thereby “controlling” the experience in a sense, but the power of choice still stands.

Three years ago, I was in Hawai’i for a spiritual retreat. I went to prepare myself for my next stage: grad school. I intended on being there for two weeks with a “break” from my retreat in the middle. My greatest epiphany during my trip came from that break. Funny, huh?

I was body surfing with a friend, having a blast off the coast of Oahu, when I realized that I was very far away from the shore. I’m not a strong swimmer. In a panic, I became to swim frantically back to the shore, but the waves pushed and pushed back. I hadn’t planned on this.

I panicked even further when I realized I didn’t have the strength to swim back to shore with the waves pushing against me. I didn’t know what to do.

Then the most incredible thing happened to me.

I felt an internal voice tell me, “Stop struggling. Let the water carry you to shore.” I was astounded. I stopped and put my feet to the floor – though I was still very far away, the water was shallow enough for me to touch the floor.

As soon as I stopped, the currents parted under me. They just stopped. Nothing pushed against me anymore. I walked back to shore, then, and I felt a gentle push from behind by the waves along the way. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was incredible and it’s stayed with me.

I’d been struggling. I don’t have to anymore. I can let go and just listen to my heart… and trust that when I do let go, life will take over and gently, warmly, lovingly carry me to whatever next destination awaits me. Life hasn’t let me down, yet. It never will. โ™ฅ

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