I now know why people pay others to help them pack their stuff up and move. lol wow.
I felt so amazingly awesome today. Something big happened in me yesterday because of the battle that I fought and won. I was so, so deep in a hole yesterday, that I had to find a new way to climb up, and in the process I helped make myself more whole. From hole to whole. lol funny. 🙂
I actually *felt* differently today. I was so solid today… and in a different way. Something permanent changed in me yesterday. I taught myself a new way to survive and it’s becoming a core part of me… I can feel it. Because I took action yesterday and head-on took down so many things I was overwhelmed by, **while I was feeling overwhelmed and weak**, I taught myself how strong I really am. I’ve been under-estimating myself, thinking that I can’t handle.. haha… that I can’t handle a whole lot of things that come my way. Thinking that I have to feel ready for them. Oh the excuses the ego comes up with to keep you from your true, infinitely powerful identity.
I don’t have to feel fine to get myself to take action. And, in fact, taking action is what will help me to feel better… much better. For the first time, I really got that yesterday. I didn’t just logically get it. I got it in my heart and soul.
Procrastination/avoidance is what Debbie Ford would call one of my “shadow behaviours” – behaviours that sabotage our feeling good, confident, etc. It’s tied to the notion that I described on Day 18. The shadow is a compilation of those qualities you’re hiding from; it’s what you don’t want to be, so you hide from it, run away from it, deny it, and only see it in others.
Most people I know are functioning procrastinators. I remember the moment I became a nonfunctioning procrastinator, where it actually started jeopardizing my future. I was in college. I was super stressed out about all the work I had to do, due the next day. A friend said, “aw don’t worry! it always gets done somehow!”… I questioned it, “really? does it?”. Fear gripped me as I realized how much I could screw things up…. and I did. Time and time again, because of that fear.
This is why yesterday was SO phenomenally important. I took “inaction” and I smashed it into oblivion. I haven’t stood up before like that to that particular fear. I’ve wanted to, but just didn’t know how. That dream with the killer robot was *key* to my learning to walk through this fear. My dreams are amazing and always help light the way for me.
More than ever before, I am learning to bring order to chaos. Everwhere. I can feel it. My physical exterior. My interior (such as with my confronting this fear). Everywhere. I had a dream about it three years ago, when I first started having super powerful, metaphorical dreams. I dreamed that I had died, but was still walking amongst the un-dead (those who hadn’t died). I was very lonely for a good chunk of time. At some point, others started dying with me, and we walked amongst the un-dead. At the end of the dream, when I wasn’t as lonely anymore, I saw a TV screen with a car-crash on it. I waved my hand over the screen and brought order to the crash. All the cars were lined up and as if no crash had ever happened. The first thing I said when I woke up was, “whow! I’m going to learn to bring order to chaos”. This is the first year in all my life where I feel this solid, where I feel this happy, where I feel this powerful.
So, yes, this move is tumultuous and hectic… and there are messes everywhere…. but I’m ok. 🙂 I’m going to bring order to this chaos, and advance and make the best of everything that comes my way. I know I am ready for this, and I know that everything’s going to work out perfectly.
I really do feel different. Something really has changed in me. What a difference a single day can make… 🙂