Day 21: The Rest is Still Unwritten / Bringing Order to Chaos (8.30.11)

I now know why people pay others to help them pack their stuff up and move. lol wow.

I felt so amazingly awesome today.  Something big happened in me yesterday because of the battle that I fought and won.  I was so, so deep in a hole yesterday, that I had to find a new way to climb up, and in the process I helped make myself more whole.  From hole to whole. lol funny. 🙂

I actually *felt* differently today.  I was so solid today… and in a different way.  Something permanent changed in me yesterday.  I taught myself a new way to survive and it’s becoming a core part of me… I can feel it.   Because I took action yesterday and head-on took down so many things I was overwhelmed by, **while I was feeling overwhelmed and weak**, I taught myself how strong I really am.  I’ve been under-estimating myself, thinking that I can’t handle.. haha… that I can’t handle a whole lot of things that come my way.  Thinking that I have to feel ready for them.  Oh the excuses the ego comes up with to keep you from your true, infinitely powerful identity.

I don’t have to feel fine to get myself to take action.  And, in fact, taking action is what will help me to feel better… much better.  For the first time, I really got that yesterday.  I didn’t just logically get it.  I got it in my heart and soul.

Procrastination/avoidance is what Debbie Ford would call one of my “shadow behaviours” – behaviours that  sabotage our feeling good, confident, etc.  It’s tied to the notion that I described on Day 18.  The shadow is a compilation of those qualities you’re hiding from; it’s what you don’t want to be, so you hide from it, run away from it, deny it, and only see it in others.

Most people I know are functioning procrastinators.  I remember the moment I became a nonfunctioning procrastinator, where it actually started jeopardizing my future.  I was in college.  I was super stressed out about all the work I had to do, due the next day. A friend said, “aw don’t worry! it always gets done somehow!”… I questioned it, “really? does it?”.  Fear gripped me as I realized how much I could screw things up…. and I did.  Time and time again, because of that fear.

This is why yesterday was SO phenomenally important.  I took “inaction” and I smashed it into oblivion.  I haven’t stood up before like that to that particular fear.  I’ve wanted to, but just didn’t know how.  That dream with the killer robot was *key* to my learning to walk through this fear.  My dreams are amazing and always help light the way for me.

More than ever before, I am learning to bring order to chaos. Everwhere.  I can feel it.  My physical exterior. My interior (such as with my confronting this fear).  Everywhere.  I had a dream about it three years ago, when I first started having super powerful, metaphorical dreams.  I dreamed that I had died, but was still walking amongst the un-dead (those who hadn’t died).  I was very lonely for a good chunk of time.  At some point, others started dying with me, and we walked amongst the un-dead.  At the end of the dream, when I wasn’t as lonely anymore, I saw a TV screen with a car-crash on it.  I waved my hand over the screen and brought order to the crash. All the cars were lined up and as if no crash had ever happened.  The first thing I said when I woke up was, “whow! I’m going to learn to bring order to chaos”.  This is the first year in all my life where I feel this solid, where I feel this happy, where I feel this powerful.

So, yes, this move is tumultuous and hectic… and there are messes everywhere…. but I’m ok. 🙂  I’m going to bring order to this chaos, and advance and make the best of everything that comes my way.  I know I am ready for this, and I know that everything’s going to work out perfectly.

I really do feel different.  Something really has changed in me.  What a difference a single day can make… 🙂

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